Alicia-is-Purple

I’m sick of being shut out and ostracized every time I try to make friends or share my RS-related creative work.

I’m sick of being expected to shut up and take it while the entire fucking fandom bashes Zaros and Zarosians day in and day out and gets praised for it, and told I’m shaming others if I dare protest the dominant view of my favorite characters.

I’m sick of all the Guthix fellating and being yelled at for pointing out that he is Jagex’s Creator’s Pet, not Zaros.

I’m sick of having the knife constantly twisted into my gut and being reminded about the blatant out of nowhere character bashing that was Endgame because I dare to like the wrong characters or pair my OC in ways other people don’t like.

I’m sick of being shamed for daring to like or dislike fictional fucking characters, or for fictional romantic pairings.

I’m sick of being the only one told I’m not allowed to share my creative works, and of being passive aggressively sniped at every time I try to share my writing, my OCs, or my opinions on lore.

I’m sick of being screamed at about how I supposedly romanticize rape and glorify an abusive relationship BY PEOPLE WHO FUCKING ROMANTICIZE AND GLORIFY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. Sliske/WG is a fucking abusive and fucked up romantic relationship no matter how you slice it and you don’t fucking get to throw stones from inside the biggest glass palace imaginable.

I’m sick of being lectured about how my OC is a child and a damsel with no agency and given no fucking evidence to actually back up that claim, and I’m sick of her being misrepresented as a rape victim.

I’m sick of being expected to read minds when nobody bothers to fucking tell me shit, and treated like shit because I’m autistic and bad at social interaction.

I’m sick of trying to love and support others and be a good friend or romantic partner, only to have all that love and care thrown back in my face and told I’m selfish and only care about myself.

I’m sick of being vilified, bullied, and shamed into silence, and being slandered and lied about, all while being told I’m faking depression for attention and that I was never actually bullied or harassed.

And I’m sick of myself being so weak, insecure, and frightened that I lost all my passion for doing what I loved, and just stopped writing and drawing for a year entirely. I broke my promise to myself that I would remain strong and keep doing what I love, even if Jamflex itself got in on the Zarosian bashing because that’s what’s in vogue and refuses to fucking acknowledge the Zarosian genocide even happened while expecting me to care about fucking Naragun.

You know what? I shouldn’t care if nobody listens to what I have to say. I have every right to like and dislike whatever characters I want, ship whatever I want, dislike any pairing I want, and speak my mind about all of it. I must be strong, be unafraid to share what’s on my mind no matter how unpopular.

And no sanctimonious asshats who think their opinions are the only correct ones and think character bashing is actual good writing should stand in my way.

I let my stress and anger get the better of me and acted in ways I shouldn't have, and I want to apologize for it. I should keep my anger and personal issues private anyway and not spill my rage onto the internet for the world to see.

Okay, that was the short version, and now for the long version. (If you're not interested in fandom drama you can safely skip this journal.) I don't know how many people are actually going to read this, assuming everyone hasn't already turned on me and isn't interested in hearing what I have to say, but the guilt is weighing too heavily on me to keep bottled up, and regardless it's better I own up to my dumbassery than I don't. I snapped and said awful things, yes, but I think I owe everyone an explanation as to what happened exactly and why it was I snapped.

So, if you're part of the RS community you likely know about the disaster that was the Menaphos library competition by this point. If you don't know, the gist of it is that you had to submit a creative writing entry to be put into the game that was 250 words or less, and that twenty winners would be chosen. Jagex later changed their minds, claiming that so many good entries were received that they wanted to include more than twenty winning entries--but when they finally released the winners into game, the "twenty winners" turned out to be only thirteen winning entries, two by the same person, and seven entries by Jmods.

It was the worst handled contest I have ever seen, with the mods backpedaling constantly and waffling on all mealy-mouthed about how they didn't really know what they were doing, and it stunned me just how staggeringly badly everything was handled--but, more importantly, they went back on their word. They reneged on their promises, deceived everyone, and outright cheated. Even if you don't have experience running a contest, it should have been be patently obvious that counting staff-written content--which could have been implemented into the game at any time--as "winners" in a contest meant for fan work is dishonest, disingenuous, and cheats the fans out of a fair chance. It was a punch to the gut I've taken quite personally--I feel screwed over, denied a fighting chance, and I honestly am too disheartened at present to attempt the Halloween contest that was just announced because I think there won't be a fair chance for me or other "little guys" in the fandom there either.

It's at this point that I want to make it very clear that I was not merely salty that I specifically didn't get in. I was prepared to take a loss with grace, as excited as I was about having a chance to personally make a mark on the lore and story I love so dearly. There were quite a few entries for the contest that I actually found to be better than my own--this and this are excellent examples, definitely worthy of being chosen. What I was most angry about was the broken promises and deception--I really do not take kindly to being deceived (understatement of the year); that's partly why I loathe Hero's Offing so much, because it was not just the worst written quest in game history, but because Jagex lied in their advertising and promised something other than what it actually was.

Now, this brings me to where I overreacted and needlessly snapped in a way I shouldn't have. My emotional reactions have been rather hypocritical here, in that I cannot appreciate or enjoy the Jmod-written books no matter how well-written or how bad they are (and a couple of them were dumb, pointless, and genuinely bad) because all of them unfairly screwed players out of those seven winning slots. However, I have also been angry about some of the player entries that were chosen--in one case, because two were by the same person, but in other cases because they were, to put it bluntly, just not good. This one, for instance, is just a find-and-replace of "The North Wind and the Sun," but it's this one that really set me off. All it is is a random guy whining about how much the RS gods suck and not providing any real arguments as to why they suck, while tarring all their followers as stupid brainwashed idiots. It's not new, not interesting, and doesn't add anything to the lore--we've heard the very same many times before from other characters, and I found it just as obnoxious and annoying then. It would have been just as bad if I had written a story about a random Zarosian whining about how much Saradomin and Zamorak suck because reasons and how all their followers are brainwashed and deserve to be the targets of bloody revenge.

With my criticism out of the way--and how good or bad the writing is has nothing to do with my actions; this is about what I did and how I handled things--I did still overreact and say some awful things. I lashed out, and I did express my anger in such a way that was needlessly cruel to the authors who wrote those entries. I do admit that I don't have a high opinion of the in-game RP circuit--so many characters there are massive lorefailing Sues that I kind of expect them to be bad--but I wasn't criticizing anything that was done in the RP circuit, nor is the RP circuit or anything done in there for fun relevant to the contest. I was upset because my entry and quite a few other good entries had lost to things that were worse written and didn't add anything interesting or substantial to the lore, and that Jagex had thought those worse-written things were better and worthier of being canon. It did not help that the contest results came on the heels of the whole deal with Legendarts getting free membership and white knights rallying to his defense, and I reacted similarly to those entries as I have to him getting undue praise. However, I shouldn't have said that the winners didn't deserve to win, or that their characters were bad just because they wrote a single bad story. That was absolutely uncalled for--my anger is solely towards Jagex, and I don't make personal attacks against authors when I dislike their writing. These guys are not LA; they're not dishonest, they're not thieves, and they're not the ones who cheated others out of a fair chance. They haven't done anything wrong. All they did was write bad stories, and that's not doing anything wrong--we're all guilty of bad writing at some point. I have quite a few old shames from my early days as a fanficcer, I constantly question whether my own writing is bad, and I will surely write something bad in the future as well. Even very talented bestselling authors write bad things sometimes.

In short, I was rude, unpleasant, foul-tempered, and acted in a way I never should've, and I'm sorry. What I did was childish, stupid, and immature, and I should have taken a break, kept my thoughts to myself, and let myself cool down enough to think more clearly about things. I am unsure if I will try the Halloween contest or how long I'll need a break from RS for, but I at least hope everyone will take the time to hear me out, even if they don't accept my apologies.